I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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