I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
