Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
