So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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