just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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