It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
