he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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