why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
