Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
