Sponge bath it is.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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