Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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