he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
