And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
