And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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