I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i now understand why vodka
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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