What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I stole a fireplace last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
