My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
