he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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