There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
