Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
