This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
