Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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