I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
