booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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