Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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