Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Randomize
