have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
