You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We are all done wearing pants today
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
