it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
