i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
