meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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