you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
people are starting to question the shark bite story
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
