# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
