if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
