I love black thongs
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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