I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
