Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
