My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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