Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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