the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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