Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
