hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
