mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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