Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
