you guys were way drunker than both of me
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
