he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
