The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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