At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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