It was confusing and full of hummus
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
