Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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