Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
