You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
In other news, I just burned my penis
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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