Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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